Gentle Reminder Notice

Melbourne’s public transport system is overcrowded. Everyone knows this. Everyone who regularly catches public transport has known this for five years.

Melbourne’s commuters are bad tempered, and they have every right to be. But that does not give them an excuse to be bad mannered. I feel it is time for a little refresher course in public transport (in particular, tram) courtesy. So, I bring you the

Guide to Harmonious Tram Travel

In no particular order:

Anyone over the age of 70 automatically gets a seat. This is non-negotiable. This is for a good reason. Old people break. You’re not going to be helping an old guy learn to walk again after the tram stops suddenly and he breaks his hip, so maybe you should just give him a little help now? Give up the seat. And don’t do it begrudgingly, there is plenty of seat time in your future.

Pretending you didn’t see the old person because you were listening to your Ipod is not acceptable. Eyes and ears are different people.

Sit in the seat correctly. I don’t care how much the guy next to you stinks. Knees forward. Poking your legs out into the isle takes up premium standing space for those who have not scored a seat like you.

Put your bag on your lap, or tuck it under your seat, don’t take up what little ankle room there is with bags.

We are not children and therefore you cannot ‘bags’ seats. Sprinting onto the tram, grabbing a seat, and then using your bag to mind it for 10 minutes while you get up to buy a ticket is not fair play.

Those standing, take your backpack off. This is non-negotiable. While it might not appear it to you, your backpack makes you a meter wide, and every single time you turn around someone scores a backpack to the chest/shoulder/face (depending on victim height).

Wearing outrageously high and flimsy stilettos does not automatically give you access to a seat. It is your own stupid fault for wearing them on a tram in the first place. Of course if you are over 70 and wearing stilettos I will not only give you a seat, but a medal as well.

If you are sitting, don’t stare at those standing as if they are somehow cluttering up you world. It is likely to make people angry beyond reason.

When sitting next to strangers on the tram, do not lean on them. Not even just a little bit. If you spine is so weak that you can't hold up your own body for the duration of the trip then perhaps you should consider getting up from your desk for some exercise occasionally?

Do not talk loudly on your phone to your secretary about how much you have to do today and all of the meetings you will need to reschedule. This can be done in 5 minutes when you actually reach the office. I’m sorry, you are just not that important.

Ipods have a volume control for a reason – use it. Listening to ‘I want to be your girlfriend’ in tinny reverb because some guy three seats away has his Ipod up too loud is not fun and likely to incur revenge.

If you are sitting in the seat next to the ticket machine and the machine it is defective, it is your responsibility to inform every new ticket purchaser before they put the money into the machine. Yes, this is tedious and unfair, but so is losing you money in the ticket machine. Would you like to be told before you lose all of your gold coins to the machine? That is a glass of wine or a posh beer you’ve just missed out on.

Please, for pity sake, put your perfume on when you get to work. The commingling of 120 different deodorants and perfumes on the morning tram is enough to put anyone into anaphylactic shock.

When the tram driver gives you instructions, like ‘please get out of the doorway’ or ‘move to the centre of the tram, please’, don’t stand around stupidly and look at other people as if they driver is quite clearly not talking to you. The tram driver is not threatening your civil liberties; they would just like to get the tram moving. Things will go a lot more smoothly and the tram will move a lot more quickly if you just do as they say.

If you see someone sprinting franticly for the tram as it begins to pull away, don’t be a prick, pull the cord and help them on. It’ll be the only good deed you have to do all day, I promise.

Further suggestions welcomed.